


Want Me, Like I Want You

by miltonicsimile



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Unrequited Love, blood/semi gore imagery??? at end, this hurt me lol, this is short and painful, verkwan, which almost makes it worse lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 01:14:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10205564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miltonicsimile/pseuds/miltonicsimile
Summary: Seungkwan reflects on the state of his and Hansol's friendship, and how as much as he loves Hansol, he knows it's not mutual.“Hey, you can’t find someone like me.”“I know.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> lol idk what this is?? my friend pointed out how didactic some of the things said by hansol and seungkwan on the ice cream date and i was like ok??? time to suffer???

_“Hey, you can’t find someone like me.”_

_“I know.”_

Seungkwan pressed his head to the tiled shower wall, warm water cascading down his back. His muscles ached from the intense dance practice earlier, and he was the unlucky last one to shower. Everyone else would be in bed and fast asleep by the time he was out, including Hansol. Seungkwan wondered if he would find him in his bed, waiting. He doubted it. Seungkwan was the one who waited for Hansol, not the other way around.

_“He only comes to me when he needs me.”_

Seungkwan doubted Hansol would need him again tonight. During their short break to rest halfway through practice, he had been pulled into an empty bathroom. Hansol had kissed roughly, needy hands creeping up the hem of Seungkwan’s shirt and lips hungry against his own. When Hansol had pulled back, Seungkwan was held hostage by his lusty eyes. Without thought, he had unbuttoned Hansol’s jeans and gotten to his knees. It was almost like a muscle reflex, he was too used to giving what Hansol wanted without question. When he had finished, cursing in English with a rough hand in Seungkwan’s hair, he had given him a nod of acknowledgment before doing up his pants and leaving. He had watched Hansol go, still on his knees, sore and aching from the hard cold tiles of the bathroom floor.

It hadn’t always been like this though, Seungkwan’s chest felt heavy with the memory. He poured shampoo into his hand and began lathering his hair. Hansol used to care about Seungkwan. Not that he didn’t care now, Seungkwan corrected himself. Hansol was his best friend, of course, he cared about him. But those lines between caring for him as his best friend and _something more_ had been blurred for years before they even debuted.

He remembered the day he met Hansol. He had just been a small, skinny, and pale kid who looked more white than Korean. Seungkwan thought maybe he had been recruited from America, the company’s attempt at a wider audience with a bilingual member. Hansol had surprised him when he spoke, explaining to the everyone in perfect Korean he had actually lived here for as long as he could remember. And yes, he was a _halfer_ , his mother being American so he did speak English.

Seungkwan had been just as loquacious back then as today, welcoming Hansol and taking him under his wing. The two had clicked, like two halves coming together, Seungkwan felt like his circuit had finally been completed. He had taken a liking to Hansol’s easy smile and clever jokes. Hansol was in awe of his singing, concerned where he fit in a group with a vocalist like Seungkwan. The two soon were inseparable, always laughing at inside jokes with one’s arm slung over the other’s shoulder. Seungkwan was taller than Hansol back then, something he used to delight in because _he was older_ , even if it was just by a month. It had seemed so important back then. He wished things like that were important still.

He leaned his head under the stream of water, rinsing his hair, watching the soapy bubbles trail down his tawny body. Hansol used to tell him how much he loved his skin. He would tell him that if they could live forever he would still never get enough of it. Hansol used to spend hours lazily kissing every inch of his body until Seungkwan felt like it didn’t matter if he died because, with Hansol, he would die happy. He hadn’t done anything like that in a long while now, Seungkwan sighed reaching for the conditioner.

It had been Hansol to first kiss Seungkwan. It was like any first kiss between kids, quick and unskilled. Both boys been left with blushing cheeks and shy, uncertain smiles. But it had been Seungkwan to lean back into Hansol, wanting a second try, and then a third and a fourth. But back then Hansol had wanted it just as much as him, always meeting him halfway with curious hands and a cheeky grin. Things had been so good back then between them. _What had happened?_

The curious hands had turned greedy and expectant, the cheeky grin into a halfhearted smile. They had grown up. Seungkwan had fallen in love, and Hansol hadn’t.

They both knew it. Everyone knew it. Despite his despairing melancholic thoughts Seungkwan rarely didn’t act on his feelings. He couldn’t help himself and he hated it. He craved Hansol’s presence, his smell, his touch, the sound of his laugh and voice. He spent most of his time with him, he was really his best friend before anything else. But that’s what almost made it hurt more, knowing that spending time with Hansol filled him with a lust for life, and he didn’t have the same effect on Hansol. Seungkwan was still trying to accept it. It was just so hard when Hansol still thought that he could _take_ from him physically, and give nothing emotionally. The past few months had gotten worse. Hansol taking Seungkwan away from whatever he was doing, without asking or considering, and expecting him to fall to his knees or bend over. And of course, Seungkwan did, because he loved him.

He rinsed the conditioner from his hair and shut off the water. Wrapping a towel around his body he stepped out into the steamy air. The walls were slick, the condensation of multiple showers thick and heavy. Seungkwan looked at his clouded figure in the steam covered mirror. He reached out and wiped the patch he filled clear and leaned forward. He looked at himself as the mirror began to fog over again, the water droplets dripping down slowly to the counter.

_How did you get like this Boo?_

In the mirror, he saw a tired, sad boy. He was tired of not being what Hansol wanted. Maybe he wanted him physically sometimes, but there was a difference between the convenience of Seungkwan’s body and being something, _someone_ Hansol truly desired. He would never be more than his best friend who got him off sometimes. He wanted to be someone that Hansol wanted in every aspect of the word. Seungkwan wanted Hansol to want _him the way he wanted him._

He dressed slowly, his body feeling as heavy as his thoughts. He would be fine in the morning, back to laughing while piggybacked around by his best friend. It was just a long day, his mind contemplating too deeply into something that couldn’t be changed. Hansol was his best friend. When they were younger he had made Seungkwan feel more love than he ever thought possible. As they got older they began to fool around, and still sometimes had sex. Hansol didn’t love Seungkwan more than a best friend. Seungkwan did.

He stepped out into the hall, the rush of cool air bringing him back to reality. He made his way down the hall to his shared room and opened the door. The others were sleeping, their breathing heavy and even. His bed was empty, just as he had expected. He closed the door. Instead, he went to Hansol’s room and peered inside. Again the soft sounds of sleep met his ears. He made his way over to Hansol’s bed, pulled up the blanket and climbed in, pressing himself against the other boy. Hansol rolled over to face him, pulling him closer.

“What are you doing Seungkwanie?” He asked, voice leadened with sleep.

“Nothing. I just wanted you.”

“But I’m sleeping.”

“I just wanted to be with you.” He whispered, leaning forward to softly plant a kiss on his forehead. He laid his head back on the pillow and looked at Hansol, his dark eyelashes kissing his pale cheeks. His hair was messy and he would ask Seungkwan to try to fix it in the morning, like he always did. “I missed you.”

“How?” Hansol murmured, a hand reaching to rest on Seungkwan’s butt. “I see you every day, Boo.”

Seungkwan sighed, closing his eyes. “I don’t know.” The warmth of Hansol’s body and his embrace were comforting, familiar. He felt sleep slowly calling to him and he yawned. Hansol was likely already asleep again. “I see you, but I don’t always _see_ you. You’re there, but you’re not _there_.” He whispered. “I miss the way you used to be.”

“I’m sorry.” Hansol said softly, surprising Seungkwan enough to open his eyes. Hansol was looking at him with through heavy lids. “I know I haven’t been the best to you always.”

Seungkwan didn’t respond. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He wanted an _“I’m in love with you too and want you and only you forever and ever”_. But he knew he wasn’t going to get it, not tonight, maybe not ever. It was okay. He had Hansol still, even if it wasn’t quite in the way he wanted him.

“Goodnight, Boo.” Hansol whispered into his ear. Seungkwan wondered if sleeping with the person you love, knowing they don’t love you back is more or less painful than not at all.

“Night, Hansol.” He replied softly, snuggling into the other’s chest. He figured any love Hansol was willing to give him he would take with open arms. Though he couldn’t help but imagine himself on his knees holding out his heart to Hansol, blood streaming down his arms and a gaping empty cavity in his chest, while Hansol just watched.

**Author's Note:**

> lol this hurt me wbu
> 
> pls comment what you thought and thanks for reading :)
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/checkinsbitch/)


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